Being Right

It appears these days that the United States is at an all time low point in its standing with the international community. It seems straightforward to pin that on a particular recent period in our history, with a singularly unpopular administration, an unpopular war, and an international economic crisis which many lay at the door step of the United States. Yet the seeds of this antipathy have been there for decades, if not centuries. It may be worth considering the root causes of this lack of international alignment between the US and its international counterparts to see if there are lessons for the coaching community. Why this level of hostility? Why do other countries interpret what we Americans see as well justified confidence as arrogance? Can coaches glean any lessons that apply to their dialogues with their clients?

America is a country with a very strong self image. From our beginnings, Americans have felt a unique calling to leadership, driven by very strong beliefs in the rightness of our democratic institutions and our “manifest destiny”, first to populate our large country with a European culture and ultimately to lead the rest of the world to similar models and presumably, similar levels of “success”.

What’s wrong with being right and acting on that belief? Isn’t that the moral, courageous thing to do?

In his excellent book, Language and the Pursuit of Happiness, Chalmers Brothers makes the case that people’s view of what is “right” is strongly driven by their experiences (which over time drive their belief systems), their moods, and their physical environment. What’s “right” for me (or for my group, my company, or my country) is a function of all three, and over time, it becomes institutionalized as an absolute truth. As individuals or groups struggle with setting a direction or making a decision, it is comforting to rest on what they believe to be universal truths regarding the rightness of that path. The problem is that their very definition of rightness is a unique product of very different sets of cultures, experiences, beliefs, and the moods which surround them. So a relationship or action strategy founded on the notion of “rightness” may be in trouble from the start. Once we accept a specific definition of what is right, we are closed off from considering other realities, other stories. History is full of cases where countries or groups have committed unspeakable atrocities in full belief in the rightness of those actions in supporting a particular belief system.

So what is the implication for coaches?

Our job is to help our client use every resource at their disposal to get the full view, as full as they can possible make it. It helps to begin with the assumption that none of us have total access to “the truth”. If a client (and their coach) can accept that, then it is easier to challenge the idea that a different idea, a different story, is necessarily “not right”. The coach can explore with the client what set of experiences or observations led them to a particular belief. Instead of asking about right or wrong, they can substitute another set of questions: How is that working for you? Could it be different and still equally valid? How would that impact your beliefs, your mood, your direction, and your plan of action? Our ability as coaches to help our clients become clear about their possibilities is directly driven by our abilities to help them develop clarity about the impact of their beliefs on their perceptions of the new challenge, and the ability to envision a different reality

With a fresh way to interpret their experience, the coach can help the client write a different story that works better for them.